This comment by Andy was too good not to repost.
Generic press release for genome sequencing
Scientists map genome of (insert name).
A team of researchers from (insert university/institute/lockup garage) has completed mapping the genome of (animal/plant/squashy deep-sea thing).
“We were amazed how (strike one) similar/dissimilar it is to the human genome,” said (insert name of lead scientist/grad student/custodian who happened to answer the phone).
The discovery should help scientists (strike all but one) cure cancer/end world hunger/prevent hair loss).
“This is the very first time that the genome of a [phylum, class, order, family, genus, species, strain] has been decoded.”